How to Lie to Your Boss’ Face

My employer is on the up & up with new technology. I mean, sure, we don’t use iMacs & the system often freezes, but in the grand scheme of things, at least we *have* a system – our own system, our own software. We employ a large group of programmers (read: Indians) who are constantly working to improve things. And as soon as a new update goes from beta to release, they start all over again. It’s a full-time job, absolutely. And considering our competition is still using good ol’ paper, we are leaps and bounds ahead.

One of the newest additions to our latest software release is the ability to generate automated reports. So we went from a person manually entering data into a spreadsheet to the computer generating the reports itself. And with that, I was assigned to “work” 3 of these reports, each of which gets automatically emailed to me 3x a week. Now, for the first two reports, I was familiar with the work, as they were projects I was working long before the software update. But the third one? I had NO CLUE what to do with it. So, for the past month, whenever I received the emails for that project, I just put them inside a subfolder in my Inbox and forgot about them.

Actually, no, that’s not true. I’m not that lazy irresponsible. I actually mentioned it to my Supervisor on two different occasions that I did not know the “process” of how to address this new project. And I even told him of the aforementioned subfolder filing. He was fine with that, because I had the two other projects to work (which keep me plenty busy 40 hours a week) and he said, eventually, we will figure out how to address the issue. In fact, he even said he would need to review the project with my Director (his boss, and mine, too). But then she went on vacation, and after that, we got busy with the day-to-day office stuff, naturally. And so it just became a forgotten item. (Except for the fact that I was getting 3 reminders a week via my email.)(But, shhhh, don’t tell anyone.)

So, today, as I was packing up my things to leave for the day, I hear my Director talking on the phone in her office (which just happens to adjoin mine) and I hear the name of this forgotten project escape from her lips.

I froze. Cuz I knew, I just KNEW someone was asking her the status of the work. And I also knew not a lick of it had been done in the past month.

So she calls my supervisor into her office, where he stands at the door, within my (deer-in-headlights) line of sight.

Her: (while still on the phone) What’s the process of {insert project name here}?

Him: Well, the report gets generated automatically 3x-a-week by the system.

Inner-me: Good job, sir. Keep it vague.

Her: Then what?

Him: And then the reports get emailed to Marla.

Inner-me: Ummm, waitaminute, I’m not sure I like where this is headed.

Her: And then what does she do with them?

Inner-me: Shit! Shit! Mother of God! Shit!

Him: She works them.

Her: Specifically, what does she do?

*At this point, I’m hiding underneath my desk in sheer panic* *Not really cuz I’m trying to get a read on my Supervisor’s face.*

Him: (while glancing my way) *makes up some complete and total nonsense while nodding at me, as if to say, ‘Right? That’s what you do?’ and me nodding back as if to say ‘Yessir, that’s exactly what I do.’

(via google)

Her: And how up-to-date is she with this project?

He looks at me to answer.

Me: (quietly so she can’t hear) I’m current?  ← yes, that was a question to him cuz I didn’t know what he wanted me to say !!!

Him: Really? You’re caught up to today? Is that true? (in a business-like tone)

Me: Ummm, well, noooo, I still need to work this week’s reports. (a BOLD-FACED LIE!!!)

But, the thing is, I couldn’t tell if he was being totally serious or if he wanted me to cover for him us or what. I mean, he was completely unreadable!!!

So then I hear my Director repeat this whole status update to the unknown person on the phone (maybe it was her boss, who likewise is also my boss ??? And that would totally suck. Well, worse than it was already sucking.)

Meanwhile, he steps inside my office and says: If you need help tomorrow to get caught up, just let me know.

Inner-me: Are you serious with this shit? Of course I need help! Gah!

Out-loud: *sucking it up like a good little office peon* Okay, I’ll let you know.

So, uh, it looks like I have a crapload whole month’s worth of work to do tomorrow. But first, I have to figure out how I’m actually supposed to do this work. And, ummm, I (read: both of us) can’t ask our Director cuz she was asking us as if we knew. 

So basically, I’m screwed.

Maybe I’ll just call in sick.

*cough cough*