Us vs. Them

For the last few weeks months, Z and I have been training our 2 cats to use the loo instead of a litter box. This was decided for 2 reasons:

➊ One of those cats is very picky as to where his hind-end hovers during his daily dump, and we were tired of cleaning up the mess OUTSIDE of the designated area because the state-of-the-art self-cleaning litter box that we paid beaucoup dollars for was not CLEAN ENOUGH for his royal highness.

➋ Why the hell not?

We figured that he would prefer a nice, clean toilet as opposed to a nice, clean litter box. And, after all, if other cats can be trained to do it, why can’t our cats? They are smarter than they look, you know. But, we later learned that they are even smarter than they had been letting on.

For the purposes of this post, let me rename my cats to make it easier for you to distinguish them:

Snickers the cat – girl kitty, now known as Good Cat, cuz she has always used the litter box as ordered ➝

Pepper the cat – boy kitty, now known as Bad Cat, cuz he doesn’t always use the litter box as ordered ➝

So, when you train cats to use the loo, it is a many-step process. But it can be done even in older cats. Up to the age of 12 years, so they say. (Don’t ask me who ‘they’ are, ummm’kay?) And our cats are 3 years old. So, yeah, they should definitely be trainable.

The first step is to buy flushable kitty litter and let the cats get used to that. ✓

Then you move the litter box next to the toilet and let the cats get used to that. ✓

Then you gradually raise the level of the litter box until it is the height of the toilet and let the cats get used to that. ✓

Then you move the litter box onto the toilet and let the cats get used to that. ✓

Then you buy this kit from your closest PetCo, the Litter Kwitter, & let the cats sniff it over. ✓

And then all hell breaks loose. ✓

The box “promises” that your cat can be trained to use the loo in 8 weeks or less & that it “works for all cats.”

So, we did as directed and filled up the first Red Tray with litter and placed it on the toilet. Then we gave both cats a tour of their new commode. They investigated it for quite a bit of time. Then they promptly started using the gravel-filled backyard as their new dumping ground. Occasionally, they would go #1 on the Red Tray, and ONCE Bad Cat went #2. But, as time went on, they continued to use the great outdoors entirely.

If only we had trained these cats when

a.) they were a bit younger, and

b.) they didn’t have a backyard to shit in.

So, last week, Z decided that the cats were being given too many liberties (as if we let them go out drinking or something) and that they weren’t allowed outside until they used the Red Tray. Then he went to work. So I spent most of the day carrying their whimpering cat-bodies away from the back door and into the bathroom. Where I screamed with all my exasperated might calmly encouraged them, “Go already!”

Then they would both run like hell back to the backdoor, practically severing my arms off with their claws in the process.

At one point, Bad Cat “pretended” to use the Red Tray. Proof that he’s smarter than the average bear. But when the Red Tray failed to get “dirty,” I told him that I was onto his little game and that he still wasn’t going to be let outside.

His response: Meow!

I should have guessed.

After a few hours of this, with both cats crossing their legs at the window, Good Cat decided to use the Red Tray for reals. A dribble. But it was enough for me. Besides, the LAST thing I want is to have a carpet stained with the smell of cat urine.

So, I let them both outside, where they nearly knocked each other over trying to get to their designated outdoor area that they assigned themselves to.

Sigh.

Later on, when Z came home from work, he was annoyed that they had been let outside. So, he prohibited them from spending an evening frolicking under the stars. And they whined at the back door all night long.

The next morning, I found a *ahem* special treat on the rug. Which, I might add, was nowhere near the bathroom. And so I deduced it was Good Cat who performed this act of defiance. Cuz Bad Cat would just go right next to the toilet on the tile floor, as he’s done in the past. And cleaning up tile is much easier than carpet, fyi. So, after rubbing Good Cat’s nose in her own poop, I let them both outside. Cuz, again, the LAST thing I want is to have a cat-urine-stained carpet. The poop was bad enough.

After consulting the directions for the “Litter Kwitter,” I discovered that maybe I was going “too fast” for the cats and backed up a step. I removed the Red Tray and returned to the litter box. So, there it was, the litter box sitting on top of the toilet in all its glory. Just as it was before.

And what did Good Cat do next? Well, of course, she dropped another crap-tastic deuce on the carpet. In the same spot as before. Far, far away from the bathroom. So, if Good Cat wasn’t going to play my games, there ain’t no way in hell Bad Cat would either.

Honestly, I had ½ a mind to make Chinese for dinner after that.

But, instead, I took a thousand steps backward and have now placed the litter box back on the floor. Otherwise known as Square One. As my reward for doing this, both cats immediately jumped inside and did their thing. Nearly simultaneously. And I swear to you, they were sticking their tongues out at me the whole time.

Who’s getting their ass handed to them now? Hmph.

Damn cats.

P.S. Z is determined to “try again.” So, yeah, this is to be continued …